My Happy Place is in the Word “Before”

“Welcome to your new normal.” This is what we tell parents of newly diagnosed children. What a bizarre thing to say. It’s a cloaked way of saying that we know a bad thing has happened to you, but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. Eventually, your memories of before T1D will fade. This is your new life. But your memories of before never fully go away. Especially in the beginning, it can be extremely hard to let go of “before”.

“My Happy Place is in the Word BEFORE”

By: Robin Stajkowski, T1D Mom

Before.

I never thought that my happy place would be in the word before.

Before the trip to the emergency room that changed everything. Before the sleepless nights and the endless worry.

I reach out for before, but I cannot seem to reach it. It eludes me every time I get close. I can see it and sometimes I feel like I am almost there but it’s never enough. I feel like I am never enough.

I am told that there will be another happy place, here, after the before. I can’t seem to see a happy place through the endless needles and beeping alarms.

Before everything happened that changed every day. Before worrying about the start of the school year and him being without me.

I wish for just one day in the before when everything seemed so easy and simple. When packing for the day was just about wanting rather than needing. When I didn’t know what the content of every breakfast, lunch, and dinner was. When I didn’t have to worry so much about him. When I could sleep and not be writing about before. I miss it so much.

I hope that there is a happy place here, after before.

I can’t seem to find it in this moment at 3 am. I am tired and broken by the after. I try to reassure myself that he is ok that I am stronger in the after, but sometimes I am a liar. I feel weak and broken here now. Why is everything so heavy here? I look back at before and it seems so light and easy. It seems so uncomplicated. Is it true? Was it easier before?

I often wonder what people think that I meet in this after. When they see me looking tired and broken. “What a shame” they must think while secretly being glad it’s not their journey to take. “You are doing great”, I am told by people I have met in the after. You are managing well here in this new place.

I smile and nod at the people I have met here in this after. I pretend like I am dealing ok, but sometimes I am not. I feel angry at my other self that is still in my before.

What did you do to get us here in the after? Did you miss something? Did you not see it right in front of you? I want to scream at my other self. Can you not do something to stop us from entering the after? Can you not see it? Can you not see that your happy place is before, before the endless worry and sleepless nights?

I have decided that if I cannot find a happy place in this after I will make one.

I will make one for him because I love you my son. You are my world. I will fight with you against the highs and the lows that seem to come without warning or cause. I will fight until I have nothing left to give. You cannot give up and be defeated because he needs you, I tell myself. He needs you to fight for him until you have nothing left to give. I promise I will and we will make a new happy place together in his after.

Because what choice do we have?

This Mama is only a few months into her journey. I’m sure she has heard about her “new normal” over and over. And yes, every parent of a newly diagnosed T1D child will get there. You will get there. You will find your place in the “after”. But I have to admit, after over 6 years of my son having T1D, I still sometimes find myself longing for the “before”. I don’t think that will ever fully go away.

Do you have tips for creating a “happy place” after diagnosis?? Please share in the comments for newly diagnosed families! And come over to the Carb Counting Mama Facebook page and “like” for more T1D posts!