When it’s not all Unicorns and Rainbows

I slept through another alarm. I remember setting it, but I don’t remember turning it off. He was at 14.7 when I checked his blood sugar at 5AM (3 hours later than I meant to). I wonder how long he was high? The last check was at 11PM. I know I set my alarm…

I’m tired… so very tired.

I go to bed at a reasonable time. At least I try to.

But then, I have to check his blood sugar in the evening too. He goes to bed at a reasonable time. Then I stay up to check him one more time before I go to bed.

I set my alarm, not for the morning when I need to get up, but for the middle of the night when I need to check him yet again.

I need sleep.

But I can’t have it.

I’ve been sleeping through that alarm more and more lately.

As I sit here writing, I have a toddler singing “the wheels on the bus” next to me. He’s the only reason I even woke up and realized I had missed his brother’s check.

So here we sit. Because I have other kids, and other responsibilities.

I’m not just a pancreas.

I’m a mother and a wife. A mother to 3 children, not just the one who has type 1 diabetes.

I need to get them to school in the mornings.

I need to make sure they’re fed.

I need to worry about their emotional and intellectual growth.

Are they stimulated enough? Overstimulated?

Are they learning to be kind and helpful?

Are they using their manners?

I’m also a pancreas.

I have to check blood sugars around the clock. Diabetes doesn’t sleep.

I have to carb count and bolus.

I have to analyze numbers and try to figure out what’s going on every time they’re not “right”.

Give sugar.

Give insulin.

Give carbs.

Give insulin.

Did he eat enough?

Will that exercise affect his blood sugar this time?

Is he getting sick?

Did I screw up the carb count or insulin dose?

I’m so tired

I’m just going through the motions.

It’s called caregiver burnout.

It’s when you spend so much of your time taking care of someone else, that you forget to take care of yourself.

So as I sit here on the morning of Christmas Eve, I’m realizing… I need to take better care of myself.

I’m going to start by going back to bed.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

~ Leah